The Day My Nervous System Walked Into the Room Before I Did
How attachment science helped me reclaim self-trust in leadership
When My Body Spoke First…
Quite honestly, I don’t know the exact moment my attachment began showing up at work before I did. What I do know is that long before my awareness caught up, my body was already deciding what kind of leader and employee I would be.
I was raised to work hard, to be dedicated, and trustworthy. My internal working model preached: work hard and you will be rewarded. I never once doubted my work ethic. But when authority entered the room, something in me was triggered.
I became a people-pleaser, abandoning self-trust and fueled by anxiety. I yearned for reassurance — whether I sought it or not. Ironically, when I felt more confident, I occasionally swung the opposite way — questioning higher-ups and communicating curtly. I filed this under: hard-working and driven.
The Supervisor Who Saw Me…
My first job in psychotherapy was with an incredible supervisor. She embodied empathy, compassion, strength, and secure leadership. She checked my behaviors, was curious about my intentions, and held space for my emotions. She wasn’t afraid to really look at me and say, “I see you.” Looking back, I can see how uniquely she empowered me with authenticity and care — a model new to me, but one I would carry even when other leaders could not provide the same.
As my career unfolded, I found myself working for leaders who, while well-intentioned, rarely made me feel seen or empowered. I felt I was learning more about what not to do than what to do. Few challenged me in ways that sparked growth or asked where I wanted to go professionally. Most seemed focused on their to-do list rather than mentoring or developing the people or systems around them.
The Job That Shook Me
When I decided to move across the country for a new job — leaving my home and family — I was excited about the opportunity to work for a company whose mission inspired me. They were small, expanding, and did good work.
I was young, excited about growing my career and moving to a city I’d long dreamed of. I never thought to ask what kind of leader I’d be working for. It turns out, the director was too busy for consistent supervision — what others called “hands-off,” I felt as absence and a lack of care. Feedback came without mentorship. There seemed to be no room for mistakes and learning. My body quickly braced for instability. My self-trust unraveled within two months.
Losing My Ground…
Whether it was the culture, the dynamics between the director and me, or my dysregulated body, I began to feel as if the floor was going to come out from under me and that I was too much and didn’t belong. I lost trust in co-workers, felt confused, and second-guessed my work.
Three months in, after a weekend away with friends, I came home to a phone call stating that I no longer had a job.
Yes, a phone call.
My world crashed. I was fired? Anxiety and shame spiraled for weeks as I replayed what I had done wrong. How could my first secure experience be followed by this?
I learned later that the company had lost financial backing. But that didn’t change how my body felt about the experience. That took years to heal.
Attachment at Work
Attachment science is often applied to parenting or romantic relationships, but the same dynamics show up at work. Attachment bonds shape how we relate — whether we seek reassurance, avoid, or show up securely. Research even shows leaders can, under certain conditions, act as attachment figures for their teams.
Too Much… and Not Too Much
At the time, I knew little about attachment science or how my nervous system operated under stress. Anxiety flooded me, and I couldn’t see what was on the wall:
I probably was too much for them. But I wasn’t too much.
Doing the work to understand my nervous system and apply attachment science has changed me. I still have work to do — and always will — but I no longer fear losing myself or my compass in the face of instability. That knowledge grounds me in ways I didn’t think were possible.
Why Secure Leadership Matters…
This is why Secure Leadership matters not just for individuals, but for organizations too. Leaders who understand attachment can hire, empower, and communicate more effectively. And employees, when grounded in this lens, can ask the right questions about what support they need to perform and show up as their best selves. They can stay rooted in knowing they are an asset just as they are — and seek out the people and environments that will support their growth.
My story is not unique. I have walked alongside clients, HR leaders, and workplaces, and I hear similar stories over and over. Every story, including my own, has been the ground on which Secure Leadership was birthed.
The Ripple Effect
I believe attachment science and Secure Leadership can empower professionals in ways that ripple outward — into work, relationships, and personal lives. With that comes not just clarity, but also stronger connections, deeper joy and fulfillment, and a greater freedom in how we show up in the world!
If this resonates, I’d love to hear your story and continue the conversation together. Hit reply to share privately, or comment below if you’re comfortable sharing with the community.
Reading this felt like holding a mirror up to myself. So much of what you described - the way the nervous system speaks before we do, the yearning to feel seen in leadership, and the unsteady ground of environments that don’t nurture growth - has been my lived experience, too.
There’s something incredibly healing in realizing that these stories aren’t just ours to carry in isolation. And the way you’ve turned your journey into wisdom for others is such a gift.
Thank you for putting language to experiences many of us struggle to articulate.